Messy Love

Worry consumes me. It comes, stays, and knows it is not welcome here. It consumes my every thought and action. I say leave. It says absolutely not. It makes me numb. Yes, I feel numb. What is there to worry about, you ask. Only everything. College, scholarships, money, friends, and the future. . .

Yea, I know, God has EVERYTHING under control. Like I said I know, but do I believe? Do I trust him? And by not trusting, it shows my selfishness. And before God has it under control, shouldn't I give him complete authority over that EVERYTHING? Shouldn't I hand all that stuff to him. And by not handing everything over, it shows God I think I can handle it better than he can. How can I give it all over to a God that I have fallen out of love with? How can I trust a God I don't even know anymore?

And before I forget, I need to make it completely clear that it's not anyones fault but my own. God is still here. He is still chasing and pursuing and wooing. And once again I'm in the same place. Being ignorant. Wow, you're chasing me? I didn't notice because I'm too consumed with my worry. Wow, you love me? How? I do absolutely nothing for you. I'm too screwed up for you to love. And there you stand with your arms wide open... Again.

Why? Why would you still want me when all I do is run from you? I don't understand. And you still love me and call me beloved, a name I do not deserve. I don't deserve your love, but you still lavish it on me. And still you say, "beloved, you are ALWAYS mine."

I'm so thankful for your messy love. Your incredibly messy love. This love is so not clean cut, not cookie-cutter. It is indescribable, uncomprehendable, and UNCONDITIONAL. No matter how bad I screw up, how many times I ignore you, how many times I pretend to know you, you still LOVE me. Of all people me? Really? I don't get it.

Im ready god. I'm so ready to fall back in love. I'm ready to be changed. I'm ready to really KNOW you, and stop acting like I do. Im ready to fall for you Again. I'm ready for a fresh start. And thankfully you are standing there, ready and willing.

Thankfully, not matter how I want things to go, they go your way. And thankfully, you know what's best for me much better than I do.

Thankfully, no matter how selfish I am, I will NEVER leave your hand.

Thankfully, your love is messy.