Messy Love

Worry consumes me. It comes, stays, and knows it is not welcome here. It consumes my every thought and action. I say leave. It says absolutely not. It makes me numb. Yes, I feel numb. What is there to worry about, you ask. Only everything. College, scholarships, money, friends, and the future. . .

Yea, I know, God has EVERYTHING under control. Like I said I know, but do I believe? Do I trust him? And by not trusting, it shows my selfishness. And before God has it under control, shouldn't I give him complete authority over that EVERYTHING? Shouldn't I hand all that stuff to him. And by not handing everything over, it shows God I think I can handle it better than he can. How can I give it all over to a God that I have fallen out of love with? How can I trust a God I don't even know anymore?

And before I forget, I need to make it completely clear that it's not anyones fault but my own. God is still here. He is still chasing and pursuing and wooing. And once again I'm in the same place. Being ignorant. Wow, you're chasing me? I didn't notice because I'm too consumed with my worry. Wow, you love me? How? I do absolutely nothing for you. I'm too screwed up for you to love. And there you stand with your arms wide open... Again.

Why? Why would you still want me when all I do is run from you? I don't understand. And you still love me and call me beloved, a name I do not deserve. I don't deserve your love, but you still lavish it on me. And still you say, "beloved, you are ALWAYS mine."

I'm so thankful for your messy love. Your incredibly messy love. This love is so not clean cut, not cookie-cutter. It is indescribable, uncomprehendable, and UNCONDITIONAL. No matter how bad I screw up, how many times I ignore you, how many times I pretend to know you, you still LOVE me. Of all people me? Really? I don't get it.

Im ready god. I'm so ready to fall back in love. I'm ready to be changed. I'm ready to really KNOW you, and stop acting like I do. Im ready to fall for you Again. I'm ready for a fresh start. And thankfully you are standing there, ready and willing.

Thankfully, not matter how I want things to go, they go your way. And thankfully, you know what's best for me much better than I do.

Thankfully, no matter how selfish I am, I will NEVER leave your hand.

Thankfully, your love is messy.

Dreaming...

I love to dream. I just love it. I dream about all of the great things that lie ahead of me. Sometimes, I can get incredibly overwhelmed, but even so I love to dream. One of my dreams is to become a children's or youth minister someday, and to some that may sound like a simple dream, but that's one of my biggest dreams. I can't even describe how working with the kids and younger youth at our church makes me feel. To say the least, it makes me feel at home. It makes me feel right. I know that being with the kids is somewhere God has called me to be, and stay for the rest of my life. And that calling makes me so excited about my future! Just the fact that my dream aligns with God's calling for me is incredible. When I tell people this dream I have (or when people ask me what do you want to be when you "grow up") and I say I want to go into Youth Ministry and say I want to go to college for that, I get some crazy looks and comments. Things like "You're not going to make any money doing that", "I'm glad you can deal with kids because I sure couldn't",and "I wouldn't go to college for that. I would get a degree in something else just as a fallback plan, in case it doesn't work out." But just some news for the people who say that: 1) I would rather be happy with, LOVE, and be passionate about what I'm doing than have money. 2) I know this is God's calling for me, so I fully trust that if I do what he says that he will provide. 3) Once again, I fully believe this is what God wants me to do, therefore, he will take care of me so I think it would be a little "untrusting" of me to have a fallback plan. 4) I'm going to do what I know GOD wants me to do even with your advice. So sorry. But I just want to tell my one reader, if that, that if you have a dream (however big or small) GO FOR IT! People will try to discourage you from doing what you want and what God wants, but do what you'll be happy with. I went to Nashville this last week, and went to see the college I'm thinking about going to. I LOVED it. Seeing the place I could quite possible be in a couple of years really renewed my hope in my dream. And I know that probably makes no sense to anyone, but God really showed me that this dream of mine is supposed to be what I'm pursuing, and to do anything in my power (and of course a whole lot of His) to achieve it. He also showed me to not let myself get discouraged with all the negative comments around me. That all that matter is it's what He wants me to do. So I'm going to do it. Hope you guys dream big!